What Happens When "No" Means Different Things To Different People?

When Discomfort Challenges Your Values

written by Zama Xulu, student psychologist

The workshop on boundaries and consent brought up a level of discomfort that I did not expect to sit with so directly. During the session, we engaged with a participant who struggled to understand that “no” should be respected as a final answer, and instead interpreted it as something that required persistence. This created a challenging moment where I had to navigate not only the content of the discussion but also my own emotional response to it. The workshop on boundaries and consent brought up a level of discomfort that I did not expect to sit with so directly. During the session, we engaged with a participant who struggled to understand that “no” should be respected as a final answer, and instead interpreted it as something that required persistence. This created a challenging moment where I had to navigate not only the content of the discussion, but also my own emotional response to it. I think this moment also made me understand reflexivity in a much more personal way. Reflexivity is not only about being aware of other people, but also about recognising your own reactions, emotions, and positionality within an interaction (Edwards, 2014). In that moment, I became very aware of how triggered and frustrated I felt, and how easily those emotions could have shaped the way I responded. Being conscious of that allowed me to pause and engage more intentionally rather than reacting impulsively. As

Edwards (2014) explains, reflexivity involves understanding how our own social and relational contexts shape the way we perceive and respond to others.

This experience made me think more critically about the role of boundaries in community work. Boundaries are not only something we teach, but something we have to embody in our interactions. In this moment, holding a boundary did not mean shutting the participant down, but rather consistently reinforcing that “no” must be respected, while still allowing space for engagement. This reflects the complexity of ethical practice, where one has to balance firmness with openness.

At the same time, this interaction highlighted the importance of engaging with people where they are, rather than where we expect them to be. From a community psychology perspective, people’s beliefs and understandings are shaped by their social and cultural contexts (Trickett, 2008). Meaningful engagement therefore requires recognising that individuals come into these spaces with different lived experiences, and that change is often gradual and requires ongoing dialogue (Trickett, 2008). This does not mean accepting harmful beliefs, but rather finding ways to challenge them without shutting down the possibility for learning.

Reflecting on both my positionality and his, I began to understand where he may be coming from, while also recognising how our different social contexts shape our understanding of boundaries. For someone who is unhoused, persistence may be a necessary strategy for navigating daily life, where resources are limited and access is uncertain. In this context, a “no” may not carry the same fixed or final meaning it does for me, but may

instead be experienced as something that can be negotiated or challenged. This does not justify the behaviour, but it highlights how concepts like consent and boundaries are not only individual, but are shaped by broader social and structural conditions. What I also began to realise is that discomfort is an inevitable part of this kind of work. Engaging with deeply ingrained beliefs, particularly those related to power and consent, is not

easy. However, meaningful engagement requires staying present in these uncomfortable moments, as this is where learning and transformation can begin (Siddiquie & Johnson, 2021).

I left the workshop realising that openness is easy when people agree with us. The real challenge is remaining grounded and ethical when they do not. More than anything, the experience reminded me that being a practitioner involves not only knowledge, but also patience, self-awareness, and the ability to navigate discomfort without losing sight of your values. I also came away with a better understanding of how important emotional regulation and reflexivity are in this kind of work. Difficult conversations are

inevitable in community practice, but how we respond to them can shape whether they become moments of conflict or opportunities for growth and understanding.